25 Jun

New Jersey Man Relieves Himself in Slot Machine

The title says it all, and you probably already have the mental image locked in. If it helps, then it was a number 1 and not a number 2, but there’s some of that to come as well.

This story has recently hit the headlines, but it actually happened last week, over the weekend. The New Jersey gambler wasn’t in his home city of Atlantic City, but rather he was in the Parx Casino in the state of Pennsylvania. The 53 year old, named as William Robert Compton (a name that Google will now forever link with this dirty deed) simply decided that the toilets were too far away and that the coin tray of a nearby slot machine was a much better prospect.

Whether he was drunk or just stupid, it wasn’t clear, but he would have surely known that the eye in the sky was watching him and that he would probably never even get to finish (although for his sake and theirs, we hope that the security staff didn’t have to restrain him mid-stream.)

Few details have been released regarding his reasoning, but unsurprisingly, he was handed a lifetime ban from the casino. The fact that he was arrested in the mid-afternoon rules out an early-morning intoxication, but the fact that he was physical and abusive to police, suggests that if drink wasn’t involved, something else most surely was.

What is surprising is that when we researched this incident, we realized that it wasn’t the first and it certainly wasn’t the most disgusting. A similar event happened just a few days ago, and when we say “similar”, we actually mean that you should probably not read this if you’re eating.

This one occurred in an amusement arcade in the UK. After standing for a long time playing on a slot machine, a man, watched closely by security cameras, became rather agitated. He was in visible distress, moving around and generally looking like someone in desperate need of a nearby toilet. However, clearly not wanting to disrupt his game, he simply holds it in.

That is, until he can hold it in no more. At that point he takes a step back, drops his pants, unloads his…frustrations on the floor…pulls them up again and then continues playing, with the offending object now just a foot away. He is clearly not finished though and a few moments later, whilst still playing, he lowers his pants, squeezes off another segment and then resumes his game.

This man manages to be the most dedicated pokie player and the most disgusting human being in the world, all within a matter of seconds, but at least he didn’t do his business in the slot tray like Mr. Compton. That’s a jackpot that no one wants to win.